Despite what every John Carroll student, faculty member or online Banner site says, the place formerly and fondly known as the “Administration Building” is now named St. Ignatius Hall. While this decision has come as both a shock and an upset to some in the community, administration has confirmed that there is specific reasoning behind the new moniker.

In an exclusive interview with The Carroll News, one of the most important leaders on John Carroll’s campus stated that St. Ignatius Hall was renamed for multiple reasons ranging from community support to financial gains.

“John Carroll, as the respected Catholic institution it is, should serve as a beacon for imperative Christian values across our country,” the leader, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Carroll News. “If we appease our higher being, both God and President Miciak, we can definitely look to be the number one university in the regional Midwest according to the U.S. News.”

The leader stated that, after multiple surveys polling at least three different collegiate students, (consisting of those from both the Boler College of Business and the soon-to-be world renowned JCU nursing program), much of the John Carroll population was “pretty much on board with the switch.” However, all quotations from students provided are a very rough paraphrase.

“I mean, it’s cool with me,” a Boler student stated. “That statue out front is pretty baller so why not? I got good memories there.”

Faculty also supported the new name reportedly in exchange for future tenure opportunities. They were also offered extra protection if they, too, changed their own names to St. Ignatius Hall. However, this has yet to be entirely confirmed and is only from the reports of Prof. Ignatius Hall of the English Department and Dr. Saint of the Philosophy Department. 

Another reason behind the Administration Building’s fresh name is because of internal discussion among the Board of Trustees. In the previously mentioned survey in which students participated, the board was able to also submit votes with extra weight under the guise that they are currently taking one zero credit course titled “breaking bankruptcy.” 

Other alumni from JCU were polled for their opinions but all results from those with below a $200,000 annual income were thrown into the bottomless pit where funding for the Humanities currently resides. 

Regardless, the aforementioned number one leader (who is either a tour guide, an RA, SUPB member, Dean’s List student, Rec Center desk employee  or a random passerby), told The Carroll News that this transformation is needed and welcomed. 

“St. Ignatius Hall will stand as a reminder to all who come across our beautiful campus,” the source stated. “The religious inclusion of all Catholics is just as important as anything on our campus including the pivotal Tower Time, the glue that holds our community together.”

The leader was asked about the Holy Spirit previously causing a fire in Rodman Hall but declined to comment.

Undoubtedly, the new St, Ignatius Hall stands as a monolith for John Carroll’s foundational values which seemingly include progress especially when it is at the expense of the current student experience. 

*This article is satire