Recently I’ve been experiencing an emotional sensation that I can only describe as “drowning in responsibilities.” Between my position at The Carroll News, my directing responsibilities for the Theatre Club and various other commitments, it’s no surprise that I have a lot going on. But where my current workload stands out above that from previous semesters is in the amount of responsibility that is placed on me in particular.
I am no stranger to having a lot of tasks to do, that’s something I can handle with minimal difficulty. My trouble comes in the expectation to be responsible and tell other people what to do, rather than simply doing what others tell me to do. I’m used to being busy with theatrical productions but I’ve never been in charge of one before. That comes with a completely different set of problems: not how busy I will be, but how much will be expected of me.
I can no longer just follow directions and help a director see their vision through. I’m one of the directors. I’m the person who needs to make the decisions and give directions to everyone else. I have to make a rehearsal schedule— how do I do that?
The main question that comes to my mind is “why?” Why do people keep trusting me with all these responsibilities? I am just a 21-year-old child, I’m not used to being in charge of anybody. I’m not the guy who makes decisions, I’m the one who agrees to what other people have already decided.
Amid my reflections, I am reminded of someone not much younger than I am. He decided to run for vice president of the Theatre Club, fully aware of the duties that came with the title. He knew it would be hard, but he was ready to learn his way through the process because he was giving his time to the performing arts, something much bigger than he was. I’m talking about myself, was I being too subtle?
Yes, responsibilities are difficult and oftentimes horrifying, but the ones I have are ones I specifically chose to accept. And they didn’t randomly come to me— I was chosen for and trusted with the roles I have been given. Somebody believed that I would be able to carry out my duties and I have to be inclined to believe them.
I will never give up on my roles because I’m pursuing my passions. I know they’re difficult but I also know they will be richly rewarding when the final product comes into fruition. I’m no expert but, as Jake the Dog once said, “Sucking at something is the first step towards being sort of good at something.”
To use an old adage, everybody starts from somewhere. Nobody is sure of themselves when they start. What do they do? They figure it out somehow. And that’s what I’ll do as well. I don’t know how, but I know that I will find my way.
