SATIRE: An inside look into the new Pacelli Hall


The outside of Pacelli Hall will soon be remodeled to include an extension of the new field house. Rest in peace, Pacelli

Mal Fisher, Diversions Editor

On Sept. 21, The Carroll News got an in-depth look into the progress of the Pacelli Hall renovations. A new company has undertaken the construction since the previous company responsible for both the renovations of Murphy and Dolan halls were unable to navigate the build site because of the onslaught of freshmen blocking roads as they wandered back from Warrensville. Also, parking was still horrendous but that joke has been beaten to death.

The renovation reportedly costs half of the tuition revenue of the class of 2022 causing a huge blow to the university’s budget. While the administration states that past student government senator, Aiden Keenan, told the board of trustees to use the class’ funds for the construction, new reports from the graduate say that he “never agreed to any kind of underhanded deal.” Keenan is reportedly suing the university for slander.

The new dormitory features four floors, two of which will bleed into the field house that will rest on the grave of Millor Hall. This will also provide students a walkway between the student center and new athletic feature, however access will be limited to varsity athletes for training purposes. 

Pacelli Hall features remarkably minimalist rooms to fit JCU’s “modern” aesthetic. The rooms are 16 x 72 inch with accommodations including a singular shelf and four outlets. The dormitory also has multiple QR code murals that students can scan to learn how to sleep standing up like a horse. However, students can apply for a 12 inch upgrade depending how many free shirts they receive during streak week (funded by donations from the class of 2021). The rooms do have heating and air conditioning easily controlled by a dial with a snowflake icon. 

There is one male and one female bathroom per floor with the words “community” written on their doors. A construction worker was writing communal but was told to revamp the word for more positivity. Another huge bonus is the prime time view of the sensation of the semester: Tower Time with President Miciak. 

In the basement of the building, there are two extra classrooms and a tennis court just as Pope Pacelli requested upon his death bed. The pope was, allegedly, extremely passionate about John Carroll students attending their AR-101 courses within the comfort of their own living quarters. There are also two washers and fifteen dryers equipped with boxing gloves for students who want to “duke it out.”

Pacelli Hall will be open for students in fall of 2045 and is just one step in dozens of more renovations. When asked about the excess construction on campus, one member of the administration stated that “building inspired futures requires a hammer, a drill and a whole lot of money.” 

When asked about other methods, like funding mission based scholar programs or improving current conditions on campus, the member said that the future is a priority.

“This generation is already really messed up,” the member continued. “The pandemic, the economic recession, it is a lot. No use in trying to make their experience livable when they have already been through hell and back. They are used to disappointment anyway.”

*This article is satire