JCU’s unbelievable next project

this column is fake, but the administration is making some very real and concerning decisions

credit: @johncarrollu on instagram

this column is fake, but the administration is making some very real and concerning decisions

Mal Fisher, Diversions Editor

With the anticipated success of the field house replacing Millor Hall and the remarkable progress of the seventy-year renovation of Grasselli Library and Breen Learning Center, many members of the JCU community are anxiously asking one question: what pricy project will the administration approve next?

Let’s be open and honest: all of JCU is begging for some new renovations. Project Gateway cannot get here fast enough and this beautiful campus needs new construction cones and fences. The recent projects of Dolan and Pacelli Halls clearly indicate increased interest in JCU and absolutely have not signaled a decline in enrollment numbers. 

To welcome the anticipated influx of students, the Board approved the destruction of an entire residence hall to demonstrate that incoming students are more interested than ever in living on campus. A four-year housing requirement, given the flattering name “university sponsored housing,” is sure to bring students running through the door. 

For as long as memory serves, the administration has brazenly served the interests of the community and not itself. And according to new unconfirmed rumors, the Board has approved its most recent (and most ambitious) plan to date. Coming in the fall of 2025, Grasselli tower, the centerpiece of Saint Ignatius Hall (formerly the Administration Building) is being leveled to create additional parking for all the students expected to be attracted by the field house and library. 

The powers that be view the real estate occupied by the bell tower as untapped potential. Given their impeccable track record of great decisions, this journalist must assume that they notice something that my untrained eyes cannot yet see. While this will make the next four years uncomfortable for current students, the administration considers it necessary to build inspired futures, just not our futures. 

With these revolutionary renovations, JCU’s decision makers expect to raise the average enrollment to match Case Western’s roughly 5,000 students. In fact, some statisticians predict that the Blue Streaks will be rebranded as “the Spartans” by the late 2020s. 

“I think it’s awesome,” one community leader claimed. “It really fits the recent name change.” 

Many members of the JCU community are finding it hard to argue with such convincing testimony. Though Grasselli tower has stood for almost 100 years, the administration focuses its attention on the next five years, and this publication has nothing but admiration for such diligence, circumspection and integrity. 

Early reports estimate that the new parking spots will be roughly 95% faculty/staff only, leaving an entire 5% for students. JCUPD has welcomed the responsibility to strictly enforce these parking accommodations. This comes as good news to JCU parking who, based on recent data, hands out roughly twice as many parking passes as available parking spots for students. As the student population begs for more renovations, TCN hopes for the chance to report on construction for decades to come.



This column is satire