*This article was written and scheduled before the snow storm of ’18. I promise, The Carroll News saw the new snow outside and assures this piece will apply eventually.

Responding to the surge of frat guys telling students to “go outside and touch grass,” JCUPD has cleared the snow from the premises of campus. Two new divisions of the law enforcement branch were created specifically for snow removal; one for parking lots and another for the campus lawn. The former of the two divisions is already being investigated by the Ohio Attorney General for using explosives to clear the quad, but specific charges have yet to be filed.

Nevertheless, the Campus Snow Removal Team (known as CSRT) has begun stripping the flurries not only from the quad and other grassy areas, but also from the air itself. The stripped snow is currently being used to cool the third and fourth floors of Dolan hall (not the science center, sorry nerds). The powder on the ground is being pH tested by STEM students for chemicals –– a move to pump up the school’s science credentials in anticipation of applying for nursing program accreditation. 

However, with the snow gone, students are now able to see grass on campus for the first time in months. One freshman, perplexed and in awe, entered catatonic shock after they left Campion hall and noticed the green ground on Feb. 17. The student is currently under observation in the health center. In lieu of flowers, please send them to Jamie Greenwolf. 

Despite the excitement (and fear of the unknown), students are intrigued by the texture and implications of this new substance outside of their dormitories. Many students have been seen running onto the grass and subsequently falling through to the underground tunnels and business school sweatshop run by former JCU President Michael D. Johnson. This has sparked another investigation on campus (not about the sweatshop, the cooperation has been known by the Administration for months). 

Grass and landscaping expert, Nicholas Sack, says that the grass is experiencing an “influx of moisture causing it to become like quick sand.”

“I don’t know why these idiots keep stepping on the grass,” Sack continued. “Like, I get it, it’s fun and we’re all in a silly, goofy mood. But, it makes me question what the test score requirements were for university acceptance and my ultimate faith in humanity.”

Students have resulted in poking the grass with their fingers and Saxbys straws to receive more information on this strange foreign substance. However, many are too terrified to go beyond an initial inquisition.

“This is crazy,” TJ Lindstom ‘23, a totally normal, not affiliated with The Carroll News and definitely not Editor-in-Chief, student, told The Carroll News. “No one told me that places around here had grass. I saw it all the time in Chicago but honestly thought it was a fever dream whenever I didn’t see it here.”

Along with the grass reveal, many artifacts have been found in the subsequent wreckage. One item, considered to be a fossilized drinking vessel, was found at the Bernet melt site. The Carroll News has contacted the JCU History Department for authentication but has yet to receive a response. 

“Yeah, that checks out,”  recruited archeology expert, Eric Fogle, stated after observing the find.

More fossils and relics are expected to be unearthed as JCUPD continues their snow removal efforts. However, the department may divide in response to the ethical debate currently happening regarding the violent arrest of JCU senior, Jack Giba, for protesting the environmental implications of forceful snow removal. Giba claims that he should not have been tackled and pepper sprayed for his efforts, on-duty officers told him he should not have been a little whiny baby in the first place. Yet, again, more investigations are underway and will be reported upon promptly by The Carroll News.

*This article is satire.