JCU IT Services received over 70 complaints from students who legitimately cannot be students without internet access. To my estimation, that number would be anywhere between 20 and 30 times higher if eduroam was working long enough to submit a work order ticket.

If you’re wondering how this got published, I meticulously calculated a three-minute window for when the wifi would be working properly. On the first day of classes alone, six computers and four phones have been hurled at the walls everywhere from Dolan Science Center to the cafeteria. Now, almost two weeks into the semester, there has been little improvement. Many students are asking the same poignant question: “what the [redacted]?”

Numerous professors have already canceled all assignments for the semester in preparation for continued outages. We at the Carroll News hear their silent screams

“I can see this being an ongoing problem,” one anonymous professor stated. “This is more of a precaution than anything else.” Their students were seen looking downtrodden in class but dancing in the hallway after being dismissed forty-nine minutes early.

Many departments and student organizations are considering partnering with ITS to cancel between 50 and 75 percent of their online events this semester. 

TCN came across a student in the basement of Saint Ignatius Hall (formerly the Administration Building) struggling to connect to wifi. When questioned, the student, who wished to remain unidentified, told TCN they were “terrified. I may not be able to complete a single assignment all semester.” 

That old excuse tried by many, “my dog ate my homework”, is out. A new excuse emerges, one adjusted to the digital world: “The wifi was out.”

Of course, this article is satirical and meant to entertain but also to shed light. The lapses in internet access are becoming more and more impactful. Since March 2020 technology supports almost the entire weight of academic institutions and workplaces alike, not to mention the free time we choose to occupy with technology as well. When it goes out, we fall down. When testing our dependence on our technology, consider this: When it’s working, we don’t notice. When it’s not, we don’t notice anything else.