Late December, in response to Marvel’s Spiderman: No Way Home, The Carroll News staff invited Tobey Maguire’s Peter Parker to tour John Carroll University and maybe even climb up the clock tower to rescue a red headed dame (call me, Tobey). However, at the end of January, Peter Parker did not swing into campus as expected. Rather, the notorious Bully Maguire in his dark adorned spider suit with his deep rooted teen angst arrived with a hip rolling dance and finger snaps.

This came as a surprise to The Carroll News staff because Bully Maguire has only been spotted once and that was in New York City in 2007. At the time, Bully was sporting a traditional Spiderman costume with black color coding and an undeniably 2000s punk hair cut to show his broodiness. Upon arrival, Bully looked exactly the same except with more hormonal moodiness and extra hair in his eyes. Sources say Bully may have been wearing “guy-liner” but this has not been confirmed.

Peter Parker justified Bully Maguire’s original appearance by blaming an alien symbiote known now as Venom which later infected Carroll News alumni journalist Eddie Brock. Brock was last heard from in late 2021 “coping” with his symbiote infection telling The Carroll News that he had to “get back into the swing of things.”

Nonetheless, Bully Maguire surprised The Carroll News staff after being inactive for over a decade. When asked where the original Peter Parker was, Bully told the staff that he “missed the part where that’s [his] problem.” Editor-in-Chief TJ Lindstrom attempted to first interview Bully but there was no compliance because of his cited distrust for journalists. It also did not help that he saw a poster of The Bob Noll and thought he was J. Jonah Jameson.

In a last ditch attempt at a progressive piece, Managing Editor Nick Sack offered a tour of campus to Bully which he accepted with the caveat that The Carroll News had to publicly denounce the previously mentioned Eddie Brock for his photoshopped picture of Bully Maguire so that he could have the staff job with double the pay. So, there’s that.

On the tour, Sack first took Bully to the Dolan Science Center. Bully noticed multiple STEM majors using their chemistry notes to dry their tears with beads of sweat dripping from their foreheads from their coursework stress. Rather than offering support, Bully approached the group, laughed slightly maniacally, and then asked the group if they were “gonna cry.” Bully specifically targeted a physics student calling them “Little Goblin Jr.” However, rather than receiving the negative reaction he thought he would get, the biology students attempted to investigate the epidemiology of the symbiote and the shooters in Bully’s wrists citing that the supreme Spiderman Andrew Garfield did not naturally produce web fluid. Offended, Bully stared down the students with his signature surprised and volatile eyes until they flocked from the scene.

Approximately ten minutes later, Bully arrived at the Boler School of Business and was surprisingly faced with his arch nemesis Andrew Welki. Rumors say that Welki, the business professor by day and Marvel supervillain by night, has the power to make students’ blood pressure increase by 35% with just one assignment with the only remedy being a two hour cool down period called “homework happy hours.” This led to a monopoly investigation which is still underway.

Welki approached Bully and the conversation seemed to be going well until Welki gave Maguire statistics problems which Maguire responded angrily to. Welki demeaned Bully for being the least scientifically accurate and the “biggest loser” of the Spidermen, again praising God Andrew Garfield. Sensing the rising tension, Sack diverted Bully to the Administration building. 

Upon entering Admin, Bully noticed that the door to AD54 was ajar. Most likely due to the previous encounter with Welki and already built up stress, Bully called specifically JCU President Alan Miciak to “fix this damn door.” Miciak was contacted but has yet to respond. Bully kicked the door frame telling Sack to “dig on this” while pointing fervent finger guns leaving the Managing Editor guffawed and slightly impressed as everyone should be with Bully Maguire.

Seeing that Bully was doing more harm than good, Sack took him to the Corbo Fitness Studio conveniently located in the D.J. Lombardo Student Center to let him calm down. However, in the “rage room” that only had pool noodles and bouncy balls, Bully hurt his back trying to intimidate students who tried to take away the iron man exercise ball telling them that no one had the right to touch Tony Stark but him. When one student apologized, Bully told them that if they “wanted forgiveness, [to] get religion.” Conveniently, the chapel is located less than a 100 yards from said rage room. 

After calling the students “trash” once more, Bully told Sack that he had to leave due to prior obligations with Dr. Curt Connors, specifically a debate on why everyone should not be turned into lizards (although noted organizations on campus like the Pre-Med society agree). When Sack stuck out his hand for a shake while telling Bully how to leave through Belvoir Lot, Maguire begged Sack to “stop lecturing [him].” In compliance, Sack quieted. Before swinging away, Bully looked at both Sack and Lindstrom and said “see you, chump.” 

The Carroll News has attempted to follow up with Bully but he has unfortunately been placed on JCUPD’s “shoot to kill” list along with everyone who views Willem Dafoe’s Green Goblin as remotely attractive. Reportedly, after he left, he beat an old lady with a stick for cranberries.

*This article is satire. I promise you, the reader, are safe from Bully Maguire… for now.