Look, I am not trying to be a pretentious a-hole but sometimes I just can’t help it. The Met Gala has come and gone and once again it has refreshed my rage and hatred for modern red carpet attire. 

There are few things on this earth I feel more passionate about than historical fashion. When I heard that the theme for this year’s event was “Gilded Glamour,” inspired by the looks of the late 1800s and early 1900s, I was thrilled. I prepared myself to see beautiful gowns adored with puffed sleeves and busseled trains. I was, of course, indulging myself in delusion. I should have expected the absolute atrocity that was this year after being let down every year before, but alas, I had hope. 

The Met Gala invites modern interpretation and the chance to make the look your own, but really? Seriously? Neon, cutouts, denim and a BASEBALL CAP WEDDING VEIL. How, why? In what world does that even constitute a fraction of the beauty and splendor of the Gilded Age. These celebrities have millions of dollars and countless designers at their disposal and yet they cannot be bothered to do a simple Google search of gilded age fashion.

The Gilded Age was characterized by sleek silhouettes of tapered waists, prominent bustles with trains, puffed sleeves and ruched detailing. The men favored waist coats with long tails, pocket watches and top hats. These covers of Vogue, the very sponsor of the Met Gala, show a perfect example of what a Gilded Age dress should be. The attempt by this year’s attendees was, at best, laughable. I can count on one hand the guests who followed the theme and out of them I have selected the three which I have found to be the best interpretation. While I could write a 15 page essay on how much I hate the majority of these looks, for the sake of the sanity of the reader, I have whittled my hatred to three looks.

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YES: Billie Eilish.

YES: Billie Eilish in Gucci

Eilish’s look bears the closest resemblance to the true fashion of the day. Her silhouette is perfect with the corseted waist and generous bustle. Eilish still manages to make the dress her own with the addition of green lace sleeves and edgy jewelry. This look strikes the ideal balance of being recognizable to the era and unique enough to be her own.

NO: Gwen Stefani in Vera Wang

Please “Hollaback” this dress to whatever hell hole it came from – the Camp theme was 2019. The neon alone is enough to have her escorted from the premises. Combine that with the two piece design and tent like skirt, Stephani’s look is a fail of epic proportions. Wearing nothing would have been more on theme than this monstrosity.

YES: Molly Sims

Sims executed a flawless modern interpretation of the late 19th early, 20th century style. She paid homage to all the elements that made Gilded Age fashion beautiful while still making them fresh and exciting. Mills has the puffed sleeves that are so iconic to the era; she has lowered them in an elegant evening look. The train and gloves make it Gilded while the monochromatic look makes it modern.

NO: Kylie Jenner in Off-White

Remember the scene in the Parent Trap where the twin’s wedding dress designer of a mother puts a top hat on with a veil? I think Kylie may have watched that movie a few too many times. Not only is her outfit off theme, it’s horrific. Perhaps if she were getting married on a baseball field this would be appropriate, but it is the Met Gala Kylie, at least try.

YES: David Harbour

Now this is on theme. Harbour absolutely delivers with this outfit straight from the Gilded Age. The top hat, the cane, the pocket watch, all of it, each and every detail is exquisite (except his date, sorry the theme was not Crayola). Harbour is arguably the most accurate attendee.

NO: Kodi Smit-McPhee in Bottega Veneta

I have no idea who this man is and after he assaulted my eyes with this trainwreck I never wish to see him again. I don’t even know where to begin. It appears he thought a white shirt was enough to emulate the glory and splendor of the Gilded Age. I don’t think I can even address the rest of the outfit without resorting to expletives.