I am Alissa Van Dress, a business marketing sophomore at JCU. That is my quick introduction, used apathetically when meeting new people. I don’t think twice about this blurb as I am sure most of us don’t quite care either. Yet, there is much more to my story than that simple sentence. We all have stories, trauma and depth hidden underneath our surfaces. 

This semester, my negative thoughts ate away at me which provoked me to believe the lies nestled within my own thoughts and I lost sight of who I am. I covered my grief with positivity and pep, thinking that would dismantle those negative thoughts, only later learning that fuels them more. 

Surfing through research to pinpoint the cause of my anxiety, I found on the Anxiety & Depression Association of America (ADAA) website that I struggle with intrusive thoughts which “come from out of nowhere, arrive with a whoosh and cause a great deal of anxiety.” These thoughts are very common and occur to most of us. For me, they would hit me daily and consume my energy, causing my studies to suffer, my self-image to blur and my motivation to plummet.

My train of thought was endless. I felt that I couldn’t manage my thoughts, make decisions or do what I want–be who I am. I suddenly began to feed into the negative thoughts, believing that I wasn’t a good person and feeling extremely guilty for having these ideas. 

The truth is, these junk thoughts, as defined by the ADAA, will occur again. They won’t go away for any of us. They still hit me from time to time. However, implied by their name, they are meaningless. While the concept is difficult to grasp for someone like me–an optimist who believes in epiphanies, signs and red flags– they don’t tell us anything about ourselves. They don’t define who we are. 

After consulting with family members and friends to externalize these thoughts and to realize that they are false, I finally woke up with the weight on my chest lightened. I am able to breathe and think better after gaining clarity on this matter and I realize that my heart and my mind are no longer at war, but are still healing.

I wish to spread awareness of this issue to offer the same transparency for those who battle this darkness. I still feel the uncertainty, anxiety and doubt that have troubled me but I know that it will take time to alleviate this negativity. It’s a part of life; we must acknowledge that it is normal to feel like this, but know that it will subside by growing comfortable with its presence and realizing that we’re not expected to know everything. We’re not alone.

I am Alissa Van Dress, a caring heart, fun-loving and hard-working person and an inquisitive mind. These negative thoughts do not define me.