I hate haute couture
Feb 3, 2023
Fashion is officially dead. It has been eaten and promptly regurgitated by the lion on Kylie Jenner’s dress.
The Haute Couture Week is a semiannual week of avant-garde fashion extravaganza in Paris, France. Many of the world’s biggest designers gather to show off their most daring and revolutionary looks. Designers, celebrities and influencers flock to get front row seats to these exclusive shows. For many, this week is all about pushing the boundaries of couture but, for others, it is a biannual nightmare.
I don’t pretend to have official credentials to critique the creations of the world of couture, but I have eyes and standards. It is with my eyes and standards, as well as the confidence of someone who could probably not do much better, that I pass judgment on these seasoned professionals. One may argue that couture fashion is supposed to be outlandish and other-wordly, but I simply do not care.
The purpose of this article is to hate for the sake of hatred. For my sanity, I will not delve into all the looks seen from the week, but rather focus specifically on the designs from Italian haute couture house: Maison Schiaparelli. I have attached what I imagine the concept notebook looks like for these creations. So, without further ado, enjoy the three nauseating looks that made me question my will to live. Brace yourself.
1. Kylie Jenner
The king herself showed up in a dress sure to cause heart attacks equally on the streets of Paris and in the plains of the Serengeti. The weight of the fashion world rested on Jenner’s right shoulder in the form of a giant faux lion head. So much time went into giving the ferocious feline’s faux mane a luxurious blowout that the designer ran out of time to hem the plain black dress, causing it to fall under the star’s heels.
2. Doja Cat
The falling popstar graced the carpet in what can only be described as the intrusive thoughts of early 2010s Youtube which, while racking up views, ruined her skin forever. I just know Jenna Marbles saw this look and was mad she never thought of it. Other ways to describe this include: a child’s failed art project, a rare skin disease or my sleep paralysis demon. If you really want to be haunted, take a close look at the shoes. In the words of Edward Cullen, “this is the skin of a killer Bella.”
3. Valentina Ferragni’s Bag
This influencer and jewelry mogul showed up in a forgettable black dress with gold accents. The attention for this look was on the face – not Ferragni’s face, the bag’s face. This bag is seemingly merging Mr. Potato Head into the fashion world. If this means it is officially cool to put googly eyes on purses, then I’m actually pretty happy with this look.
