My name is Brian Keim. I was born on Nov. 7, 2003. If you are reading this article, it can mean only one thing: I am 20 years old. But I sure don’t feel it.

When many people turn 20, they can think of only one thing: “I feel so old.” For me, this is not the problem. In fact, my problem is the opposite. I feel so young. Too young. I don’t feel prepared to be a 20-year-old. Even though this age doesn’t come with any official legal changes such as being able to drink, vote or drive, the idea of being two decades old comes with a lot of responsibility that I am simply not ready to undertake.

Being in your 20s feels like being let into a club that I shouldn’t have membership for. I’ve spent the last six-ish years being a teenager so that’s always felt like something I can handle. So what if I’m legally considered an adult at 18? It feels no different from being 17. Being 20, though? That terrifies me. The 20s is an age range that I will be in for the next decade. It’s a whole new level of adulthood from what I’m used to having.

Due to many factors such as my childlike behavior, my status as the youngest child and my “baby-face,” I have often felt younger than I actually am. In some ways this is a benefit– after all, there’s no shame in being youthful. However, when it comes to independence and maturity, I have always felt lacking. I feel like everyone around me is in a different league. I’ve never dated anybody, I don’t go to parties, I didn’t even get my driver’s license until I was out of high school. Of course, I’m perfectly fine with the way I live, regardless of how different it is from my peers, but the stark contrast still makes me feel less mature than other people of my age group.

At my age, Taylor Swift had already released two studio albums. S.E. Hinton had already written “The Outsiders.” St. Joan of Arc was already dead! What have I done? Lounged about, mostly. Gone to school. Played video games. I keep telling myself that I’m just laying the foundation for when I reach true adulthood, but what if that never comes? If I don’t feel like an adult by age 20, when will I? When will I stop being a child and finally do something with my life?

I am at the age where people think I can do things. People keep asking me about studying abroad, internships and other responsibilities, but I don’t feel ready for any of it. I feel like I’m still a child. I need my parents to take care of things for me. I’m terrified to call my doctor to schedule an appointment. I’m afraid to check out DVDs from the library. I avoid all kinds of human interaction whenever possible because I am scared of it. In short, I do not act like an adult.

In contemplating these feelings, I am reminded of a certain film. This film is the one that provides the namesake for this very article: “tick, tick… BOOM!”. I have briefly mentioned it in the past, but I truly can not stress enough how deeply I relate to it and the themes it presents. The film portrays the story of real-life playwright Jonathan Larson as he struggles to come to grips with the fact that he is about to turn 30. Many of Larson’s worries echo my own: he hasn’t done anything with his life, he believes others at his age have done so much more, he feels that time is slipping away.

So, what am I to do? I don’t necessarily want to grow up just yet, but I feel like I have to. I mean, I can’t stay a child forever, can I? Keeping a childlike spirit is one thing, but there are some responsibilities that I simply have to meet. I have to be able to take on new responsibilities. I have to become independent at some point.

The short answer is “I don’t know.” And that’s okay. I’ve felt anxiety over a lot of new phases in my life: college, high school, new jobs and so on. When I started all of these things, I was an absolute nervous wreck. Somewhere along the way, though, I found my footing. Change was forced upon me and I adapted accordingly. I have no idea how, but I feel like I can manage turning 20. As Jonathan Larson himself said, “at least it happens only once in your life.”