I am a certified people pleaser. Without fail, if a friend or family member asks me to hang out or do them a favor, I will. I always want to succeed, and part of that stems from the need for validation. If I can make someone happy with my efforts, I jump at the chance. However, this often leaves me stressed and overwhelmed because I have many activities to juggle.
Throughout high school, I got involved in several activities simply because my friends wanted someone to join them or I was interested in the club. As I continued in these clubs, I gained leadership roles and was unable to turn any opportunity down for fear of judgment or dissatisfaction. When I moved to college, I was afraid to put myself in that same position.
At John Carroll, I realized just how many opportunities are available to students who get involved. However, I knew that as soon as I went to a club meeting or event, I would feel a need to become heavily involved and drown myself in meetings and events. Don’t get me wrong, I would have a lot of fun at each event, but I knew I did not want to do that to myself. Instead, I focused on work and picked my favorite clubs and organizations to focus my attention on.
This decision brought me closer to many wonderful people and organizations. I now have to learn how to say “no” in my everyday life without feeling guilty or as though I’m missing out. Oftentimes, my family and friends want to spend time together or go to exciting events over the weekend. I am very grateful for every one of them, but sometimes I should be willing to say “no” to not stress myself out too much.
I made a plan to go to one fun event each weekend to get myself out of my dorm and socialize. This plan has been great so far but confounded with the hangouts and breaks I take every day make for a busy schedule. To reduce my stress, I know I should say “no” to a late-night walk here and there, and dedicate Sunday to work if I go out on Saturday.
However, this is not always easy. Along with my plan to pick one fun event a weekend, I also make compromises. If I know I will not make it to dinner that day, I will often tell my friends that we should plan for tomorrow instead. I then put it on my calendar at a time that works best for all of us. Also, I tend to incorporate schoolwork into a hangout so that I can still be around a strong support system while also completing the work necessary for the day. Another tactic I use is prioritizing myself in difficult situations. It can be hard, but if I know an assignment or project has a strict deadline, I will make my friends and family aware of this when telling them I cannot hang out that day or weekend. Forbes also suggests many different tools to address fears of saying “no,” and I have found the article to be extremely helpful.
I always end up feeling terrible if I say “no” to someone. Even though I know, and they know, it is not personal, I still feel as though I should still hang out with them despite a heavy workload. If someone has social anxiety, like I do, saying “no” can be a huge challenge. This year I have gotten slightly better with this guilt because I try to step into the other person’s shoes. When I approach the situation from someone else’s eyes, I would completely understand if a friend or family member could not hang out due to a busy schedule.
Every person has their good days and bad, so by looking at it from the perspective of the person you’re saying “no” to, it doesn’t seem terrible. Every individual, in college or not, wants their friends and family to succeed and gives them grace when they are unable to find time to hang out that day or week. My goal throughout this semester is to give myself grace and be willing to say “no” sometimes when I need a moment to get my work done. This approach will hopefully allow me to be less stressed and to have even more fun in college.
