Diversions’ Special Investigation

Andrew Gilkey, Diversions Editor

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A new fashion trend has been sweeping John Carroll. Students have been wearing their hats backwards and on the top of their heads, creating a bubble of space between the scalp and the rest of the cap. Why do students do this? Where did this trend come from? Who is behind it? We sent our elite reporters to investigate.

Diversions sat down with Franklin McNamara ’19, a frequent hat-wearer and self-described male fashion guru, to better understand this trend.

Diversions: “How would you describe the typical men’s style at Carroll?”

Franklin McNamara: “Slides, hat and athletic wear. Your shorts have to be longer than your knee, you don’t want someone thinking you’re ….”

“You’re what?”

“You’re unathletic. I can’t imagine showing my face in public with shorts above the knee. Everybody knows the longer the shorts the bigger the muscles. You need to show the whole campus you lift big around here.”

“Right. Getting back to the hat. What’s the point of wearing it so high on your head?”

“No reason. It’s just comfortable, bro. It allows for airflow and stuff like that.”

It is important to note that McNamara was visibly sweating while being asked this question.

“How does it promote air flow if there aren’t a lot of holes in it?”

“It just does, man. Stop asking me about it.”

“Why should we stop asking you about the hats? Is there something you’re trying to hide?”

“There’s noting worth knowing about it.”

As McNamara yells at our reporter, a small chorus of squeaks can be heard coming from under his hat.

“Did your hat just squeak?”

“No, you’re crazy man I’m done with this.”

McNamara, while trying to storm out of the interview, tripped on some wires and fell. His hat came off, revealing a small mouse that was gripping McNamara’s hair. He left, collecting his hat and rodent companion, before any more questions could be asked.

It is the opinion of our reporter and this newspaper that the individuals who wear their hats in this loose manner are, in fact, being controlled by mice. The mice pull the hair on the top of the scalp in order to manipulate their host, much like Remy in Pixar’s “Ratatouille.” Please refer to the diagram provided for clarification. The Carroll News has notified the proper authorities and have launched their own investigation. We understand this news may be unsettling for some readers. The University Counseling Center will hold a group session this Saturday for all affected by this news.

Figure 2. X-Ray View of the hat

Figure 1. Profile View of Student With a Hat.