Head-to-Head: Astrology is NOT real


Laken Kincaid

World News Editor, Patrick Kane, argues that astrology is not real.

Patrick Kane, World News Editor

This column is part of a “Head-to-Head” series. Read the counterargument by Laken Kincaid.

There are some people out there who believe that your destiny is found in the stars… and I’m here to tell you very gently that they are wrong.

Astrology is a pseudoscience that, for some reason, a significant amount of people full-heartedly believe in. Simply put, it is the belief that human and worldly events can be understood through the position of the stars and the planets. People use these alignments to determine the outcome of their day and how the future will play out for them. If that sounds like poppycock to you, congratulations! You get a cookie.

Now, unlike the author of the opposing column, I won’t have a lot of arguments (I’m assuming, mainly because I’m not supposed to read it. But they’re a great writer who always does good and thorough work, so…). That’s because I really don’t need them. The argument against astrology isn’t something you need to write a ten page MLA-cited research paper on. It literally just requires common sense and five seconds of thought.

Astrology is based on nothing. Astrology is nothing. There is no scientific basis for astrology. You are looking to the sky to tell you that it’s falling. Astrology is a solely vibes-based ideology. You think one thing and, because you believe it, you find it to be true. There is as much science and logic backing astrology as there is other pseudosciences like tarot cards and the ”sixth sense” (which I mean, statistically speaking, if you believe in astrology, you are more likely to believe similar unproven phenomena). Nothing about it corresponds to tangible, reasonable reality.

That is quite literally all the argumentation needed. Astrology argues that the pieces fall where they may because Jupiter was next to Saturn and Proxima Centauri was adjacent to the Moon, yadda yadda yadda, so on and so forth. You don’t need a complicated in-depth argument to refute astrology. You just have to put in as much mental effort as they do.

I am constantly drawn to a line from the 1998 Adam Sandler masterpiece “The Waterboy,” where characters discuss the vagueness of the horoscope, referring to the woman writing it, “maybe by leaving her predictions vague and generalized, there’s less of a chance that someone finds out she’s a phony.”

As humorous as this quote is, it describes the utter fiction behind astrology. You use vague, mass-applicable concepts and adages to describe your day and use the arbitrary, uncaring nature of the cosmos to justify it.

I apologize if this all is underwhelming. But honestly, when you’re arguing with nonsense, how much refutational evidence do you need? If someone says the sky is purple, you don’t need an award-winning academic paper to disprove it; just think for a second and look up.

Now, that being said, I have no problem with people who believe in astrology because, at this point, astrology can basically be summarized as an allegory to religion. Think about it: both  attribute the meaning behind everyday life to the machinations of inaccessible worlds above. To some of the proponents of astrology, it fulfills that role religion plays; that you have a predetermined place in this world.

And you know what? That’s okay! I consider myself as a religious agnostic but I also pride myself as a pluralist. People should believe whatever they want to believe as long as it’s not harming anyone. If astrology helps you feel better about your place in this chaotic, uncertain world we live in, that’s not a bad thing. But let’s not sit here and act like what you’re saying isn’t just incoherent babbling. 

I think, therefore I am. That’s the only thing in existence humans know for certain. I don’t know if there is any predetermined plan for me or anything. I don’t know if anything I do, good or bad, actually matters in the end. But I do know one thing (aside from the aforementioned Descartes quote): my place in the universe is not determined by the positioning of Neptune. If you think yours is, I am genuinely happy for you. But I pray that one day you develop the self-awareness to understand just how ridiculous you sound.